Sympathy for the Devil

If you're like me, you've been wondering what the hell has gotten into Kenny Rogers. Thanks to some serious investigative reporting, a few well-placed bribes, and a source which cannot be revealed, I finally have some answers. Here's the transcription of a conversation which took place on the evening of October 5, 2006 at an undisclosed location. Two male voices were recorded and later identified by my source. The first (Kenny Rogers) was hesitant and nervous with a slight southern drawl; the second (Mephistopheles) was deep -- perhaps the deepest voice you've ever heard -- and assertive. Rather than comment on the discussion, I'll simply present it verbatim, leaving the interpretation to the reader.

Kenny Rogers:
Um, excuse me sir?

Mephistopheles:
Yes?

KR:
I was told that maybe you could help me out. You see, I've got this game tomorrow...

M:
I know about the game.

KR:
Right, of course you would know about the game. Um, my problem...

M:
Your problem? You have too many problems to list. First, there's the fact that your fastball couldn't break a pane of glass. By the way, you know how we punish Ty Cobb? You're on the mound, and he's stuck in the on-deck circle licking his chops for all of eternity. He never gets up to the plate. If you think he was ornery when he was alive, you should see that bastard now. God, it's hilarious. But I digress... Anyway, your second problem, you're forty-one years old. Third, have you seen that lineup? Four -- and this is the big one -- you're Kenny Rogers, for Christ's sake. Fifth...

KR:
For Christ's sake?

M:
It's just an expression. Don't get smart.

KR:
So, someone suggested that you might be my only hope. That if I came down here, down to the crossroads, maybe you could take care of things for me.

M:
Oh, the Robert Johnson thing again. Stupidest thing I ever did. Do you have any idea how many mediocre guitar players come down here looking for a miracle?

KR:
Well, I don't play guitar -- I just wanna beat the Yankees.

M:
Everyone wants to beat the Yankees. I think you can do better than that. Take a look at the various packages I offer.

KR:
The Kirk Gibson?

M:
That's just a flash of brilliance kind of thing, not what you're looking for. It works better for hitters.

KR:
The Larsen?

M:
Sorry, one per customer. Yours has already been cashed in.

KR:
The Mookie?

M:
Even I feel bad about that one. Buckner's been down here a million times trying to get me to turn back the hands of time. Such a shame.

KR:
What about the Hershiser?

M:
Hmm. That usually comes with two months of dominance, but I can probably dilute it a bit so it works for just a few weeks -- three, maybe four starts. Would that do?

KR:
Where do I sign?

M:
Here's what you do. Take a bucket of this mud...

KR:
Mud from the crossroads?

M:
Take a bucket of this mud. When you go out to pitch, grab a handful and rub it against your left hand, right on the meaty part of your palm. And don't wash it off right away -- you have to let it get into your system.

KR:
That's it?

M:
That's it.

KR:
And I'll win?

M:
You'll dominate. You know that pitch you call a fastball? Somehow the hitters won't be able to catch up to it. And you know how your curveball usually floats up to the plate holding a sign that says "spank me"? Not anymore. People will compare you to the Hall of Famer who used to pitch for the Dodgers -- the Jewish gentleman.

KR:
Sandy Koufax? He was my childhood idol!

M:
But here's the best part. The old Kenny Rogers used to sulk and pout on the mound, but this new and improved Gambler will be pumping fists like Tiger Woods, scowling like Randy Johnson, and dancing like José Lima. You will be untouchable.

KR:
Sweet Jesus.

M:
Well...

KR:
Okay, so what about your compensation? When do you get my soul?

M:
This isn't a movie, Kenny. Do you see a pitchfork? Do you smell brimstone? I don't trade for souls anymore. Quite frankly, we're running out of room down here as it is.

KR:
So what do we do?

M:
I'm more about making trades nowadays. Take Kirk Gibson, for instance. I took away the rest of his career. And remember Jack Morris? I took away the Hall of Fame.

KR:
And Pete Rose?

M:
No, I had nothing to do with that one. He fucked up all by himself.

KR:
Okay, so what do I give up?

M:
Actually, this one's on me. I'm a bit of a Tiger fan.

KR:
Serious?

M:
They've always been good to me in Detroit. Ever heard of Devil's Night?

Comments

[Anthony Cartouche]

Very good.

[Chris]

Most excellent.