I remember when the Summer Olympics were in Atlanta eight years ago. It was all so simple. When it was time for Michael Johnson to run the 400 meters, I clicked on the television and watched it live, only three time zones away. Things are different now.
With the games taking place on the other side of the world in Athens, Greece, the events don't fit into prime time, no matter how much NBC might like them to. The finals have been taking place during the early hours of my California morning, but I've chosen to wait for the tape-delayed airing of the events during the evening, experiencing my own "plausibly live" Olympics. In order to do so, I've had to submerge myself into an Olympic Isolation Chamber (OIC). Want to join me? Here's how to build your very own OIC in ten simple steps:
1. Do not watch SportsCenter. If you do, you will certainly be bombarded with medal counts, race results, and still photos of celebrating athletes.
2. Do not watch ESPNews, since the Bottom Line will crawl right into your OIC.
3. If you must watch ESPNews, perhaps to catch some baseball highlights, and feel that you can click the remote quickly enough should you feel an Olympic report coming, you MUST disable the Bottom Line. You can do this in one of two ways. First, there is Option 1. Stack several books, video tapes, or any other readily available rectangular objects in front of the television, bringing them to a height that will COMPLETELY obscure the lower two inches of your television screen, thereby thwarting the Bottom Line. For obvious reasons, Option 1 is not foolproof. If you are concerned about the reliability of Option 1, or if there are small children living in your household, proceed to Option 2. Use regulation black electrical tape to COMPLETELY obscure the lower two inches of your television screen, thereby thwarting the Bottom Line. If you worry that your wife will not appreciate this, use the electrical tape to obscure the UPPER two inches of your television screen as well, creating a letterbox effect for a fraction of the cost of a high-definition television.
4. You may watch Baseball Tonight. This is probably safe, since the Bottom Line on this show only gives baseball scores and stats. Still, this is a risk. You never know when an anchor might slip something in like this: "And just like Michael Phelps did tonight, Gary Sheffield crushes the competition." You're probably better off skipping this as well. Might not be worth the risk.
5. Do not watch network or local news, not even NBC or the local affiliate. They might warn you to look away or press mute before giving Olympic results, but you can bet that they'll give them. And what if your mute button doesn't work?
6. If you must use the internet during the day, reset your startup page so that CNN or ESPN or MSN doesn't come up when you aren't expecting it, bursting your carefully crafted OIC bubble. You'll have to perform this operation quickly, opening your browser and then immediately stopping it, so that nothing loads. If you worry that you might not be able to stop the loading process fast enough, simply cover your ENTIRE screen with a piece of dark construction paper. Once you feel enough time has elapsed, SLOWLY slide the construction paper downward, revealing only a little bit of the screen at a time. When you can see the address field, type in any website which will not violate the terms of your OIC. Allow us to suggest a safe start-up page: www.brokencowboy.com
7. Do not listen to the radio in the car. You could try listening to your favorite music station, but just like with Baseball Tonight, you never know. You're best bet is to spin some CD's. Looking for something new? How about "Chutes Too Narrow," by the Shins. Very cool.
8. If you have friends who haven't joined you in the OIC, inform them of your decision to remain in the OIC. If they aren't able to respect your OIC, you must eliminate them from your life during the fortnight. If they aren't willing to rekindle the friendship once the games are over, I'm not sure that they ever really were your friends. And remember, the BrokenCowboy is always your friend.
9. If possible, do not answer the phone. If there is some reason that you must answer the phone, do not make the mistake of answering by saying "Hello." This invites conversation. Instead, answer like this, quickly and politely: "Hello-I've-put-myself-in-an-Olympic-Isolation-Chamber-which-means-that-I'm-doing-everything-humanly-possible-to-avoid-any-and-all-Olympic-news-so-if-you-know-anything-about-today's-events-please-don't-say-anything-because-I'm-planning-on-watching-them-tonight-live-well-not-live-but-plausibly-live..." Again, this is not foolproof. Your best bet is not to answer. But if you have an answering machine, there's the danger that someone could leave results in their message, and your machine could echo the results throughout your house, shattering your OIC. If this is your situation, you should probably eliminate this possible breach by signing up for a voice-mail system from your local phone service provider.
10. Do not open any e-mail. You probably shouldn't even look at a list of your e-mail, since subject lines might contain sensitive information. If possible, configure your Norton Anti-Virus to scan your mail for words such as "Athens" or "gymnastics" or any combination of "gold-silver-bronze." You might also want to include phrases like "world record" or "huge upset." Even with these precautions, e-mail can be exremely dangerous.
By following these simple steps, you can safely construct an Olympic Isolation Chamber (OIC) for you and your family. Perseverance is the key. And remember, if your OIC is compromised on a given day, you can always rebuild it, sealing yourself off from future disappointment. So join me, won't you?
Hilarious. Sounds like you've figured it out. Thanks for the tips.
Posted by: EJ | August 17, 2004 at 06:54 AM